I am so fucking sick of the person I am. Just absolutely fucking tired of everything I am and everything I’m not. I hate my hair, it doesn’t grow right and it’s curly, but only sometimes. Other times it looks deflated and gross. I hate my face, it’s this disgusting thing that puts people off and makes people think they need to pity me. I hate my sense of dress; it’s like this god awful mix of indie, homeless, hipster and toddler and it’s fucking disgusting. I hate my voice, it somehow manages to be too gay and too masculine at the same time. I hate my body in general, I’ve been stuck at 173 pounds for nearly a month and no matter what I do it doesn’t change. I have this stomach and these thighs and all this awful me hanging everywhere. My mouth is always dry, so if I don’t drink or eat mints throughout the entire day my breath smells bad. And then there’s the fact that I put up all these illusions that it isn’t ridiculous that I want to pursue a career in music when it’s absolutely fucking retarded. Honestly, where could I possibly go? Nowhere. And then I sit and I think of what kind of person might not see me as so disgusting, and all end up with is no one. No one could ever love me, see me as beautiful. And me, I’m here, so fucking pathetic, that I end up sitting in the dark by myself muttering yes to an imaginary marriage proposal and flirting with shadows because I’m that fucking desperate for something I know I can never have. I’ve brought myself near tears before acting out both sides of a conversation. I just want to be gone. I want to be gone and never come back. I want to close my eyes, not even to dream, I just want them to close and never open again. Just blackness. Because when it’s dark and lonely it’s familiar and I won’t need to worry about how much I loathe myself and how horrible and pointlessly cruel the life ahead of me feels. And then I come to places like Tumblr to try and get rid of me, to change and to become someone who can fucking get somewhere, but I never do.
I never do, and I never can.
And I wish I could end things. I wish I could be suicidal. I wish I could down a whole bottle of pills or jump off of a roof, but I’m too much of a fuck-up to even bring myself to that. I want it. I want everything to just vanish. I want to vanish. But I get this throat constricting fear and this guilt every time I seriously consider anything and that’s how I know that I just have to live with it. I have to live with this awful hatred. This envy of everyone around me and this fucking piece of shit I call a future. I just really hope I’m the victim of some freak accident. I hope some serial killer randomly picks me, or I’m hit by a car.
I’m tired, and my inhibitions are wearing thin. If I had any sense, I wouldn’t submit this. I just needed to say it somewhere. I needed to acknowledge the fact that I want to die. So, so badly. I want to die because I’m never gonna live.
Sometimes I think all of this may relate to one thing, but I’ve never spoken to anyone about it, and what does it matter? The damage is already done. Talking about it won’t change the fact that it happened. I’m a boy, and when I was nine years old, I was raped. By a boy who lived two houses down from me. So that’s that.
I knew him since last year, and saw him only 3-4 times. But everytime he was here, he was super charming just like his friends and so friendly. and complimented me. and i am also super skeptical, and i also behaved friendly. I never thought he liked me in that way. But, he did hint a few times, sooo unambigous things that i was not sure, but to be on the safer side i always assumed it was friendly and meant in a little bit over “polite” manner. And, cuz it made me a bit uncomfortable and nervous, I acted a bit cold. And he got the impression, that I find him annoying, though i was only a bit nervous and confused. Then i found out, that he said to a friend of mine, that he thinks that I’m attractive. Ok, yeah, i know its just a simple remark, but beware, that this came across as the peak of the iceberg, due to the previous signs he had been giving! It was like the confirmation, and I tried to look at it as objectiveley as possible, listed all the facts and even my best friends agreed, and we thought he is probably shy or something. Anyway, I then made the first move and said i like him, and i really just wanted to know whether it was true.. He felt super uncomfortable and said … well, i like you too, as a friend. but i’m sorry i don’t like you like that.
GOD! THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON’T LEAD PEOPLE ON! Argh… this was sooooo unnecessary. Fucking idiot. he could have saved me my time, embarrassment and fucking pain! god. Now, i kind of reached the point of not caring, and being even more careful than before.
Also, to people who say, well its my fault, because i interpreted “politeness” with “flirting”. Well, let me tell you one thing: It’s one thing to be polite, and another to let lead someone on. It’s not fair. And the last time I checked, you really don’t have to compliment people and hint future bf- stuff, to be polite. You can just shut the fuck up and smile, say thank you, please and good bye. God dammit.
He doesn’t deserve the way i felt, how it crushed me, when he rejected me, even though HE FUCKING started it! ugh… I hate all this sweet talk, bullshit talk. Why do they say it when they don’t mean it in that way???! It hurts! it fucking hurts, OK? Also, i feel like i was ripped off my dignity. god.
Never again. I grew stronger, and have learnt my lesson. but still. I will show him, what he missed. Jackass. I don’t care. I’m just a bit angry, but also know its my foolishness and impatience. I just found it soooo fucking useless, such a time and energy waste!
But reflecting on it, I improved my personality. I have become also more friendly, charming and not talking a lot. It feels a lot better. But I am also careful to not lead anybody on, when i don’t mean it. I don’t want to be like him, because i know how painful it can be.I will show him, how it’s done, how to be charming, but polite and not lead people on and be in good relationship.
Oh, and when I see him, I will never show him. The best revenge is to live well, to show them how much better you are and yes that you have an amazing, genuinely exciting life of your own and also know cool people that like you.
Also, I will never tell him this. He is a stranger. I don’t think I should reveal my real feelings even more. He already knows way too far. But i’m gonna pretend like it NEVER hurt, and that I didn’t mean it in that way.
:D But in my mind, I’ll be like, fuck you you stupid, pathetic, LIAR. You’ll see. When I’m living superwell, and you see my face, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL.
lol, reading this, i feel like i come across as a pschobitch, but really I am not. I am just pissed at myself more, that I got fooled, and that I made the first step. Never again, will I be the first one. I will make it easier for guys to approach me, but still be independent, focus on my life, let them know, i have thangs going on, and they have to just grow some balls and ask me.
Stop licking arse, Dave. And if you reject someone, do it directly, clear and simple. Not beating around the bush. fucking loser.
And if he ever decides to like me again. I will reject him. But in front of him, I will play it completely cool, and be myself and take care of my life. I mean seriously, others have real problems, and i have other things to worry bout. God, what a time waste.
I have anxiety (Social) and severe depression. I’m in therapy for anxiety. A few weeks ago I was talking with my mother about my anxiety and she called it ‘Shyness’, telling me I needed to get over my ‘shyness’. When I said to her that I wasn’t shy she rolled her eyes and said it was the same thing. Anxiety is an overwhelming fear. It is NOT the same thing as being shy. Just being around people, especially certain people, is terrifying. Your insides tremble and you feel like you want to vomit, your lungs battle between not allowing you to breathe and hyperventilating, your heart feeling like it was going to rip out of you chest, and you feel like you are going to break down crying. Many types of anxiety is hidden because people, like me, can keep a straight face despite feeling like they are breaking inside.
So when I know this, when I know that this is how I feel, why did I just say ‘Mom, anxiety…. nevermind…” and walk away? Why can’t I just tell her how it feels?
I saw a picture that really causes pain in my heart right now. I’m just full of regrets: na dapat ako yun, na dapat di kita iniwan ng ganun ganun lang, na dapat I’ve never let go of you, na dapat di ako nakinig sa sinasabi ng ibang tao against you. I should have helped you not leave you, I should have mold you to be a better person, I just can’t post it on facebook nor on twitter ‘coz I’m weak enough to let people know my regrets about you. FRIENDS learn from this: NEVER LET GO OF SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU HAPPY.